This is a paper done (a few months ago) in the style of Jonathan Swift, author of "A Modest Proposal", in which he "advocated" the eating of children to stave off the growing famine in Ireland. Read on, young ones. Its not, serious, mind you. Simply my response to a world determined by bubbles.
Modest Proposal II: This Time, its Unoriginal
In our great nation, there has been a rising problem. Many students in high school are rebelling against the idea of standardized testing, saying that bubbling in answers is no way to determine how smart they are. This is a serious threat to the educational institution. In order to stem the coming onslaught of teenage disobedience, I propose that we begin putting standardized test forms into use in all aspects of life, so as to accustom them to the necessary format that we wish to test their intelligence with.
Since standardized testing can already determine the outcome of a student's educational career, it can easily be implemented to other areas of their lives. Studies show that children as young as 3 years old have the necessary motor functions to fill out their own bubble-tests, given the proper assistance. Simple tests can be administered early in life, to determine many aspects about each individual child, such as aptitude for future jobs and college entry. Young children are more impressionable than older ones, and they will soon come to accept tests as a natural part of everyday life. Young mothers, in preparation for these tests, will begin quizzing their children in every possible aspect from as early as 1 month old, in order to improve their chances of scoring highly and procuring a successful life for themselves. This will aid in the development of our youngsters, hopefully giving them a mental edge over the advancing educational systems in other nations.
Why stop at educational and professional predictions? Early testing can tell us everything about a child, including their compatibility with other students. In elementary school, their tests may divide them up into social classes, which, done without testing, can be a messy process. Many, who would ordinarily feel like they don't belong in a certain social group at all, would have definite proof that they belong somewhere with other students, be they the "nerds", the "outcasts" or the "jocks". These groups could be kept together through strict enforcement by teachers; if a student doesn't play with their assigned group, they should be severely punished, and corrected. This will ensure that certain professional groups will from, and increase the level of teamwork present in later society. All those destined to become computer programmers, for example, will be used to working alongside others like themselves, because they have been kept with other future computer programmers since an early age. Based on psychological and physical needs, students can be assigned special diets that give them the nutrition they should be receiving for maximum future output. This will ensure that they develop how they should, rather than become something different than what's expected of them. It has been proven that certain diets can change the developmental paths of students; if any one type of student becomes too prevalent, some can be changed through rigorous diet plans.
In later years, testing can be continued to establish strong ties between certain groups of males and females. Since, in elementary school, the attraction towards the other gender is virtually nonexistent, these tests can be put off until the beginning of high school. Compatibility tests will match each student up with a significant other, whom they will no doubt feel closely for. This ensures that no single student is ostracized from dating, and has a perfect match in this area, which will lead to increased happiness and less urge to lash out among the most potentially dangerous of age groups. Standardized testing can be used in all aspects of life, therefore, to determine what is best for our students. No other solution would weed out aggression, form strong bonds of friendship, and make sure that all students go into the field they are meant for, or at least the one we decide they are meant for. If this modest proposal is initiated, we will ensure the glory of America for centuries to come.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The Coyote and the Elephant (aka I haven't been home in a week)
Hello, small reader base. (All one of you?)
This morning, I made a startling discovery: I am the laziest bastard this side of not actually being a bastard. I'm sure that, were I actually a bastard, I would definitely be the laziest of them all.
In the process of this epiphany, I experienced a second epiphany: I am in no shape to run a marathon. Luckily for myself, this epiphany occurred at a time when marathons weren't on my mind at all., and I hadn't even thought about considering running one. So...crisis averted?
I guess the point to all of this is thus: As we move along in life, we learn many things. But are all the things we learn really worth the time we take in learning them? Two years ago, I learned what an imaginary number was. Since that time, after taking a test on the material, I haven't done anything that even remotely required that knowledge. So why did I need to learn it? All the time I spent wrapping my mind around this abstract concept, I could have been thinking about the real nature of things.
I guess there's someone in charge out there who doesn't think that actual independent thought is too important.
This is the Coyote saying, "One may fill his head with facts, but never fill his head with truths."
This morning, I made a startling discovery: I am the laziest bastard this side of not actually being a bastard. I'm sure that, were I actually a bastard, I would definitely be the laziest of them all.
In the process of this epiphany, I experienced a second epiphany: I am in no shape to run a marathon. Luckily for myself, this epiphany occurred at a time when marathons weren't on my mind at all., and I hadn't even thought about considering running one. So...crisis averted?
I guess the point to all of this is thus: As we move along in life, we learn many things. But are all the things we learn really worth the time we take in learning them? Two years ago, I learned what an imaginary number was. Since that time, after taking a test on the material, I haven't done anything that even remotely required that knowledge. So why did I need to learn it? All the time I spent wrapping my mind around this abstract concept, I could have been thinking about the real nature of things.
I guess there's someone in charge out there who doesn't think that actual independent thought is too important.
This is the Coyote saying, "One may fill his head with facts, but never fill his head with truths."
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Coyote Quests for Knowledge (aka I'm Not Really a Coyote)(aka the Incredible Delayed Post!)
Since the dawn of mankind, we as a species have wondered about many things. But dominating these wonderings is the most simple, yet complex, of all questions we have ever asked of ourselves:
"Why are we here?"
And to this, I answer: "Someone is screwing with us".
Not to completely bash religion (myself not being a particularly religious person. If anything, I'd classify myself as a Buddhist), but whoever this God guy is, he's got a wicked messed up imagination. And, actually, that's cool with me.
God's got a sense of humor. And he wants us to realize this. All too often, people are focused on the bad things in life. Really, what they should focus on, is life's inherit absurdity. Our lives are pure irony, wrapped in metaphor, and dipped in rich milk chocolate. Enjoy it.
This is the Coyote saying: "Life's a Candy Bar."
"Why are we here?"
And to this, I answer: "Someone is screwing with us".
Not to completely bash religion (myself not being a particularly religious person. If anything, I'd classify myself as a Buddhist), but whoever this God guy is, he's got a wicked messed up imagination. And, actually, that's cool with me.
God's got a sense of humor. And he wants us to realize this. All too often, people are focused on the bad things in life. Really, what they should focus on, is life's inherit absurdity. Our lives are pure irony, wrapped in metaphor, and dipped in rich milk chocolate. Enjoy it.
This is the Coyote saying: "Life's a Candy Bar."
Sunday, October 12, 2008
If I Were Actually a Coyote (aka The Hunt for Adventure)
I will now relate to you the story of the day I will experience tomorrow:
I will awaken at 6:47 sharp, not to the buzz of my alarm, but to the fact that I'm being yelled at that I haven't woken up yet. This is a fact I'll be completely aware of, but it'll still be a nice reminder, since I'm usually so forgetful of that fact. I'll get up and prepare for school, probably leaving about 7:00, though I expect to be a few minutes later than that out of pure cynicism.
I'll arrive at school between 7:17 and 7:23, and get a parking space somewhere in the first row, probably about 15 spots in. I'll sit in my car until about 7:40, probably eating my breakfast which will either be: A) Some kind of waffle/pbj combination or B) An english muffin with some kind of pbj combination.
I will arrive at my Econ classroom at 7:47, and promptly tune out for the next hour. I'll then tune back in just in time to hear the bell ring. With any luck, I will have restrained myself enough so that I didn't offend my teacher with anti-captialist remarks. I never really mean them, I just like to say them for argument's sake. Unfortunately, Econ doesn't really leave room for independent thought.
I'll walk too quickly to AP English, and probably arrive second. At this point, I attempt to tune back in, but in doing so probably offend more people than I did when I was tuned out. I'll make some comments that make little to no sense, and attempt to inject a little excitement into the class environment produced by having the school's best and brightest all in the same place. I'll probably offend Debbie the most, seeing as how she's the closest target. Luckily, AP English is much more accepting of a free thinker than the mindless Econ curriculum, and I will probably not be punished for my wrongdoings.
During nutrition, I'll stand around for a while until I am joined by a few of my comrades, and exchange mindless chatter for about 9 minutes, at which point I'll arrive, again, too early for Physics. In physics, I tune back out and try not to draw too much attention to myself. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of answering some easy questions in the first couple of weeks of class, and am now regarded as the "smart kid". Honestly, though, I have very little idea of what's going on in physics. I just understand concepts. So I seem smart. I'll probably use physics to doodle something on my singular folder, or catch up on some reading.
Thus begins Griffin News, a class that almost encourages tuning out. Unfortunately, I want to tune in to Griffin News, but receive no encouragement or help in doing so. As a result, I sit around for an hour, and grit my teeth and agree to whatever is placed before me.
Ah, Lunch. The pinnacle of the school day. At last, I can fill my empty stomach with processed foods that I have carried around all day, rendering them nearly inedible. Still, I need to eat. So I'll eat my chip/ sandwhich/ water/ dessert-type bar combination of some kind, and try to avoid looking at it as I do so. During lunch I may engage in a plethora of activities, including: ranting, raving, shouting at freshmen, shouting at sophmores, shouting at juniors, shouting at seniors, becoming enraged, and, alternatively, talking.
Finally, Drama class rolls around, a class that seems to say "lets all sit around and be disorganized until a day before the show". Usually, it turns out that way. And it works out about 90% of the time. Not to say its the right way to do things, just pointing it out. Sometimes, I take the opportunity to tune out during drama, while other times, I tune WAY in. Tomorrow, I'll be tuned in.
At 1:45 I'll finally manage to leave campus. I'll visit the pharmasist, who somehow knows my name, even though I've been in there twice. I'll then promptly return to school in time for Comedy Sportz practice, which may or may not end completely disorganized. But I'll still have a good time.
Finally, I'll return home at about 6:00, sit around for about 5 hours, and go to sleep.
You see, I can tell you all of this, because I'm sure it will happen. Barring some cosmic force stopping it from being so, my day will be completely predictable tomorrow. Which brings me to the point of this blog: I'm bored. I want action. I want a challenge, not just for my mind, but for my whole being. I want to actually test my knowledge about life, and gain new knowledge from whatever or whomever I happen to meet along the way.
Basically, I'm thinking a life on the open road is good enough for me.
I will awaken at 6:47 sharp, not to the buzz of my alarm, but to the fact that I'm being yelled at that I haven't woken up yet. This is a fact I'll be completely aware of, but it'll still be a nice reminder, since I'm usually so forgetful of that fact. I'll get up and prepare for school, probably leaving about 7:00, though I expect to be a few minutes later than that out of pure cynicism.
I'll arrive at school between 7:17 and 7:23, and get a parking space somewhere in the first row, probably about 15 spots in. I'll sit in my car until about 7:40, probably eating my breakfast which will either be: A) Some kind of waffle/pbj combination or B) An english muffin with some kind of pbj combination.
I will arrive at my Econ classroom at 7:47, and promptly tune out for the next hour. I'll then tune back in just in time to hear the bell ring. With any luck, I will have restrained myself enough so that I didn't offend my teacher with anti-captialist remarks. I never really mean them, I just like to say them for argument's sake. Unfortunately, Econ doesn't really leave room for independent thought.
I'll walk too quickly to AP English, and probably arrive second. At this point, I attempt to tune back in, but in doing so probably offend more people than I did when I was tuned out. I'll make some comments that make little to no sense, and attempt to inject a little excitement into the class environment produced by having the school's best and brightest all in the same place. I'll probably offend Debbie the most, seeing as how she's the closest target. Luckily, AP English is much more accepting of a free thinker than the mindless Econ curriculum, and I will probably not be punished for my wrongdoings.
During nutrition, I'll stand around for a while until I am joined by a few of my comrades, and exchange mindless chatter for about 9 minutes, at which point I'll arrive, again, too early for Physics. In physics, I tune back out and try not to draw too much attention to myself. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of answering some easy questions in the first couple of weeks of class, and am now regarded as the "smart kid". Honestly, though, I have very little idea of what's going on in physics. I just understand concepts. So I seem smart. I'll probably use physics to doodle something on my singular folder, or catch up on some reading.
Thus begins Griffin News, a class that almost encourages tuning out. Unfortunately, I want to tune in to Griffin News, but receive no encouragement or help in doing so. As a result, I sit around for an hour, and grit my teeth and agree to whatever is placed before me.
Ah, Lunch. The pinnacle of the school day. At last, I can fill my empty stomach with processed foods that I have carried around all day, rendering them nearly inedible. Still, I need to eat. So I'll eat my chip/ sandwhich/ water/ dessert-type bar combination of some kind, and try to avoid looking at it as I do so. During lunch I may engage in a plethora of activities, including: ranting, raving, shouting at freshmen, shouting at sophmores, shouting at juniors, shouting at seniors, becoming enraged, and, alternatively, talking.
Finally, Drama class rolls around, a class that seems to say "lets all sit around and be disorganized until a day before the show". Usually, it turns out that way. And it works out about 90% of the time. Not to say its the right way to do things, just pointing it out. Sometimes, I take the opportunity to tune out during drama, while other times, I tune WAY in. Tomorrow, I'll be tuned in.
At 1:45 I'll finally manage to leave campus. I'll visit the pharmasist, who somehow knows my name, even though I've been in there twice. I'll then promptly return to school in time for Comedy Sportz practice, which may or may not end completely disorganized. But I'll still have a good time.
Finally, I'll return home at about 6:00, sit around for about 5 hours, and go to sleep.
You see, I can tell you all of this, because I'm sure it will happen. Barring some cosmic force stopping it from being so, my day will be completely predictable tomorrow. Which brings me to the point of this blog: I'm bored. I want action. I want a challenge, not just for my mind, but for my whole being. I want to actually test my knowledge about life, and gain new knowledge from whatever or whomever I happen to meet along the way.
Basically, I'm thinking a life on the open road is good enough for me.
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