The Coyote Reaches Back in Time (aka Look at What I Found!)

This is a paper done (a few months ago) in the style of Jonathan Swift, author of "A Modest Proposal", in which he "advocated" the eating of children to stave off the growing famine in Ireland. Read on, young ones. Its not, serious, mind you. Simply my response to a world determined by bubbles.


Modest Proposal II: This Time, its Unoriginal


In our great nation, there has been a rising problem. Many students in high school are rebelling against the idea of standardized testing, saying that bubbling in answers is no way to determine how smart they are. This is a serious threat to the educational institution. In order to stem the coming onslaught of teenage disobedience, I propose that we begin putting standardized test forms into use in all aspects of life, so as to accustom them to the necessary format that we wish to test their intelligence with.

Since standardized testing can already determine the outcome of a student's educational career, it can easily be implemented to other areas of their lives. Studies show that children as young as 3 years old have the necessary motor functions to fill out their own bubble-tests, given the proper assistance. Simple tests can be administered early in life, to determine many aspects about each individual child, such as aptitude for future jobs and college entry. Young children are more impressionable than older ones, and they will soon come to accept tests as a natural part of everyday life. Young mothers, in preparation for these tests, will begin quizzing their children in every possible aspect from as early as 1 month old, in order to improve their chances of scoring highly and procuring a successful life for themselves. This will aid in the development of our youngsters, hopefully giving them a mental edge over the advancing educational systems in other nations.

Why stop at educational and professional predictions? Early testing can tell us everything about a child, including their compatibility with other students. In elementary school, their tests may divide them up into social classes, which, done without testing, can be a messy process. Many, who would ordinarily feel like they don't belong in a certain social group at all, would have definite proof that they belong somewhere with other students, be they the "nerds", the "outcasts" or the "jocks". These groups could be kept together through strict enforcement by teachers; if a student doesn't play with their assigned group, they should be severely punished, and corrected. This will ensure that certain professional groups will from, and increase the level of teamwork present in later society. All those destined to become computer programmers, for example, will be used to working alongside others like themselves, because they have been kept with other future computer programmers since an early age. Based on psychological and physical needs, students can be assigned special diets that give them the nutrition they should be receiving for maximum future output. This will ensure that they develop how they should, rather than become something different than what's expected of them. It has been proven that certain diets can change the developmental paths of students; if any one type of student becomes too prevalent, some can be changed through rigorous diet plans.

In later years, testing can be continued to establish strong ties between certain groups of males and females. Since, in elementary school, the attraction towards the other gender is virtually nonexistent, these tests can be put off until the beginning of high school. Compatibility tests will match each student up with a significant other, whom they will no doubt feel closely for. This ensures that no single student is ostracized from dating, and has a perfect match in this area, which will lead to increased happiness and less urge to lash out among the most potentially dangerous of age groups. Standardized testing can be used in all aspects of life, therefore, to determine what is best for our students. No other solution would weed out aggression, form strong bonds of friendship, and make sure that all students go into the field they are meant for, or at least the one we decide they are meant for. If this modest proposal is initiated, we will ensure the glory of America for centuries to come.

The Coyote and the Elephant (aka I haven't been home in a week)

Hello, small reader base. (All one of you?)

This morning, I made a startling discovery: I am the laziest bastard this side of not actually being a bastard. I'm sure that, were I actually a bastard, I would definitely be the laziest of them all.

In the process of this epiphany, I experienced a second epiphany: I am in no shape to run a marathon. Luckily for myself, this epiphany occurred at a time when marathons weren't on my mind at all., and I hadn't even thought about considering running one. So...crisis averted?


I guess the point to all of this is thus: As we move along in life, we learn many things. But are all the things we learn really worth the time we take in learning them? Two years ago, I learned what an imaginary number was. Since that time, after taking a test on the material, I haven't done anything that even remotely required that knowledge. So why did I need to learn it? All the time I spent wrapping my mind around this abstract concept, I could have been thinking about the real nature of things.

I guess there's someone in charge out there who doesn't think that actual independent thought is too important.


This is the Coyote saying, "One may fill his head with facts, but never fill his head with truths."